Frustrating!!

[rosebee]

So my brother shows up from out of town to visit (thank heavens he stays with my folks). After canceling twice I didn't exactly have the times of his visit etched in stone.
So my mom called monday to basically tell me my brother was in town and 'asked' me when I'd like to come over to have a one-big-happy-family visit. I said how about Tuesday, she said no (dad has karate that night so no time for a family dinner/visit). Wednesday it was then.
Or so I thought. Tuesday evening around 7:30pm or so my mom calls and says that my brother is going to go over and visit another relative Wednesday evening so the family visit has to be rightnow so please get over here.
HTB had an awful day that day. I was tired & exhausted & stressed from being right smack dab in the middle of 2 of my busiest weeks of the year at work, but we both changed out of our sweats & comfy clothes and showed up to visit.

We only stayed about an hour because we were both just so tired.

I found out yesterday that my brother was all upset because i didn't ask him any questions about his life or what he's been doing.

Well excuuuuuse me!! I didn't know I had a brother that actually gave a shit! Just because he's deciding this is a fabulously perfect time to come descent & visit with family doesn't mean it's a good time for me to be all social. My brother has never cared about my life or what I do, so now that he's decided he wants to ask questions about all those things I'm all of a sudden supposed to flip a switch, turn from stressed out & exhausted introvert to social & interested extrovert?
And my mom pretty much told me that next time he's down visting no matter what my mood I *must* ask him questions about his life.

This is of course *after* mom explains to me how exhausting my brother is, even when he's trying hard to be nice, *after* she talked about how he kept critquing every other thing she said as being judgemental, *after* she talked about how he kept defending his minimalist lifestyle (which he always does in such a way that attacks everyone else's lifestyle), and *after* she talked about how he always demands solid facts to support & defend any opinions/beliefs you share with him.

I absolutely hate how she expects me to bend over backwards for him.

He knows my email address. If he wants to know so bad about what's going on in my life he can ask me. He can also learn a little common courtesy. He can also *ask* when a good time is for him to come visit if he wants me to be receptive to his visit and capable of setting aside the time and energy needed to interact with him and ask him questions about his life.

But what I absolutely hate the most is how I'm expected to cater to him. Nothing about how he needs to do anything differently. *I* need to change and behave differently. I'm the oldest, therefore I need to set an example. (so yeah, I may not be as objective as I should be about this - I've heard this type of thing from my parents all the time growing up and they always had these kinds of expectations for me).

It's just SO.GODDAMNED.FRUSTRATING!!!!!!

Comments

[lemniskate.livejournal.com]

it's only frustrating til you set some boundaries. in order for them to accept you as an adult who's already building her own family, you need to help them -- by saying a lot of this stuff straight out (a bit more politely of course). And though that's hard, a lot of the "message" can get across just by your actions. tell them, we're available this night. other wise, it doesn't work for us. I'm sorry it won't work out, maybe with more notice we can get together next visit. but you've got to take a stand or this kind of stuff will *never* end. do you want to deal with this crap for the rest of your life? no! take a stan and set boundaries now, before you have kids and everything gets *really* complicated :)

[rainbow.livejournal.com]

what she said! you are grown up and have your own life and that is a GOOD thing. you are not sponsable for taking care of your brother. mama used to tell her friends to practiss saying stuff like "oh, i'm sorry, we have plans already and cant change them" and "we could make it on day x, but days y and z we wont be avalable" until it is easier to say and autamatic.

you can not change your mama especting you to bend over backwards but that does not mean you need to do it! it is ok to not do what other ppl want when it is not good for you.

lovelovelove from boo

[rosebee.livejournal.com]

Your mama's very wise! I'm definitely going to have to practice saying that kind of stuff!

it is ok to not do what other ppl want when it is not good for you

And you're very wise & smart, too Boo!!

Thanks so much for the good advice & the reminder about how I need to remember to not do stuff that's not good for me.

{{happyhugs}}

[rainbow.livejournal.com]

hughughug! do you no it is over a YEAR since me and mama saw you??? maybe 2 years!!! but i still member it very good! lovelovelove from boo

[rosebee.livejournal.com]

That makes a lot of sense. I'm going to have to try that.

{{hugs}} Thanks for the advice!!