rosebee: Adam Lambert touches the gauges/plugs in his ears (Default)
rosebee ([personal profile] rosebee) wrote2012-11-30 08:41 am

Is this how a marriage ends? :''(

I don’t know if there was a proverbial straw that broke my husband’s back, or if he’s just having a midlife crisis. His 38th birthday is coming up in just a couple of months.

The night before last, he dropped a bombshell on me. He said that on Thanksgiving Day he had sudden realizations about his attraction to me & his unhappiness.

He said that he’d been rather depressed the last several days (weeks, maybe?). He said he’s not sure what he wants anymore, that he’s not sure he’s attracted to me anymore, and that his sexual needs weren’t being met.

I’ve told him repeatedly that I need an emotional connection to feel sexual desire. That if he wants sex daily (or multiple times a day), he needs to be the one to initiate it… and he can’t wait until 10pm at night when I’m already 3/4ths asleep.

MrB knows he has a very limited amount of "emotional energy", and that he expends most of it at work. He says he feels guilty initiating… that it’s like forcing himself on me. I’ve repeatedly told him that this is not the case. That I frequently need to just jump in and “go” in order for my drive/desire to kick in.

I found the name of a sex therapist for us to go see as a couple. I’m already in therapy for myself.

I am doing absolutely everything in my power to make this work. (My powers do not include magically changing my libido, however).

MrB says he’s willing to fix it… but he also said later in the conversation that he thinks I want to fix it more than he does.

It takes two people to make a marriage work. If I’m doing all I can, and it doesn’t work out, then it’s not my fault.

Ironically, the things that have me most scared are losing the house we just bought (bank says I can afford it on my own, but I’m not so sure), and not having a partner to share life with… to go travel & see things, and all that goes with it.

I haven’t told anybody in my real life what MrB’s told me. I want to tell my parents, as they’re a source of emotional support for me… but I don’t want them changing how they interact with MrB.

If any of you have been through something like this, or been through a divorce that you didn’t want, but couldn’t stop… I’d really love to hear from you. I need some reassurance that everything’s gonna be ok, no matter which way things end up going.

I strongly suspect that MrB has unresolved issues from childhood that are 1) making him feel guilty for initiating sex even though he has the higher libido, and 2) making him use sex (which he says is VERY mechanical for him) to fill some unresolved void/issue he has.

MrB also said he very nearly bailed out of our vacation we've been planning for next week. He said he thought hard about refusing to go and having me take my mother with me instead. But he decided to join me and not stay behind.

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