rosebee: Adam Lambert touches the gauges/plugs in his ears (Default)
[personal profile] rosebee
I don’t know if there was a proverbial straw that broke my husband’s back, or if he’s just having a midlife crisis. His 38th birthday is coming up in just a couple of months.

The night before last, he dropped a bombshell on me. He said that on Thanksgiving Day he had sudden realizations about his attraction to me & his unhappiness.

He said that he’d been rather depressed the last several days (weeks, maybe?). He said he’s not sure what he wants anymore, that he’s not sure he’s attracted to me anymore, and that his sexual needs weren’t being met.


I’ve told him repeatedly that I need an emotional connection to feel sexual desire. That if he wants sex daily (or multiple times a day), he needs to be the one to initiate it… and he can’t wait until 10pm at night when I’m already 3/4ths asleep.

MrB knows he has a very limited amount of "emotional energy", and that he expends most of it at work. He says he feels guilty initiating… that it’s like forcing himself on me. I’ve repeatedly told him that this is not the case. That I frequently need to just jump in and “go” in order for my drive/desire to kick in.

I found the name of a sex therapist for us to go see as a couple. I’m already in therapy for myself.

I am doing absolutely everything in my power to make this work. (My powers do not include magically changing my libido, however).

MrB says he’s willing to fix it… but he also said later in the conversation that he thinks I want to fix it more than he does.

It takes two people to make a marriage work. If I’m doing all I can, and it doesn’t work out, then it’s not my fault.

Ironically, the things that have me most scared are losing the house we just bought (bank says I can afford it on my own, but I’m not so sure), and not having a partner to share life with… to go travel & see things, and all that goes with it.

I haven’t told anybody in my real life what MrB’s told me. I want to tell my parents, as they’re a source of emotional support for me… but I don’t want them changing how they interact with MrB.


If any of you have been through something like this, or been through a divorce that you didn’t want, but couldn’t stop… I’d really love to hear from you. I need some reassurance that everything’s gonna be ok, no matter which way things end up going.

I strongly suspect that MrB has unresolved issues from childhood that are 1) making him feel guilty for initiating sex even though he has the higher libido, and 2) making him use sex (which he says is VERY mechanical for him) to fill some unresolved void/issue he has.

MrB also said he very nearly bailed out of our vacation we've been planning for next week. He said he thought hard about refusing to go and having me take my mother with me instead. But he decided to join me and not stay behind.

Date: 2012-11-30 07:20 pm (UTC)
dine: (dandelion)
From: [personal profile] dine
I'm really sorry - I hope he's agreeable to trying counseling, because it sounds like that's the next logical step

*hugs*

Date: 2012-11-30 08:03 pm (UTC)
bettina: (gwen cooper)
From: [personal profile] bettina
I'm so sorry this is happening. I do hope that you can work something out. *hugs*

Date: 2012-11-30 10:25 pm (UTC)
dragon_moon: (dog_puppy)
From: [personal profile] dragon_moon
So sorry to hear that you're having a difficult time with him. There's hope since he's willing to go to counseling together - I agree that individual counseling would probably be ideal for him as well, but it depends on if he's willing for that too. I'm glad that he didn't cancel on your vacation - hopefully you'll both be able to reconnect. It sounds like you're doing all that you can (other than magically turn into someone/something that you're not, of course!), so best wishes to you.

Everything will be okay, no matter which way things end up going. Things may get bumpy in the meantime, but they will end up okay.

*hugs*

Date: 2012-12-01 01:47 am (UTC)
dragon_moon: (adam_moscow)
From: [personal profile] dragon_moon
Absolutely, that sounds like it would be fun. Just let me know when you get back and we'll work it out. ^__^

Date: 2012-11-30 11:02 pm (UTC)
ephemera: celtic knotwork style sitting fox (Default)
From: [personal profile] ephemera
Hi - I hope you don't mind a comment from someone you don't know, but I just saw this, and my heart goes out to you.

I have been through a divorce I didn't want and couldn't stop, and while it was *so incredibly hard* at the time, looking back on it with a few years distance, it wasn't just something I survived, it was probably a good thing - my life is better now, and about the only thing I regret is fighting it as hard as I did for as long as I did.

In my case, my ex-husband blind-sided me with "I don't know if I love you any more", and that he was no longer attracted to me. We spent 18 months breaking up by painful microns (during which time he had an affair, which was my breaking point for calling it quits). Those 18 months, that 2 years, were heartbreaking and hard, but, as I say, things got better - a lot better.

I hope that that isn't the route your relationship takes, but even if it is, even if it grinds your heart up, if you can keep on keeping on, putting one foot in front of the other, it is survivable, it does get better, and it isn't going to be the end of your life, even if it is the end of one of the lives you had planned on.

I hope that's comforting rather than terrifying.

All courage and strength to you, whatever way life's path takes you.

Date: 2012-11-30 11:06 pm (UTC)
ephemera: celtic knotwork style sitting fox (Default)
From: [personal profile] ephemera
also "It takes two people to make a marriage work. If I’m doing all I can, and it doesn’t work out, then it’s not my fault." - this - so much this.

Date: 2012-12-01 12:32 am (UTC)
rainbow: drawing of a pink furred cat person with purple eyes and heart shaped glasses. their name is catastrfy. (Default)
From: [personal profile] rainbow
*vibes* *hugs*

I can't help wondering if Mr B has unaddressed or unacknowledged issues with depression or SAD. Maybe the counselling will help him face those, if they're there. And if there are childhood issues, that complicates it more, I know.

You are very right in that it takes two and you can't make him do or feel anything. I'm heartglad that you have that internalised.

Date: 2012-12-01 02:42 am (UTC)
rainbow: drawing of a pink furred cat person with purple eyes and heart shaped glasses. their name is catastrfy. (Default)
From: [personal profile] rainbow
Agreed with the therp. In an 18 y.o., that's normal. Pushing 40, it can be a huge red flag.

That he refuses to initiate sex and then complains about the frequency is problematic, too, and makes it sound like it's not even the frequency that's really the problem.

Profile

rosebee: Adam Lambert touches the gauges/plugs in his ears (Default)
rosebee

December 2013

S M T W T F S
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425 26 2728
293031    

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 19th, 2017 05:02 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios